Two years I started this blog post below and had to walk away from it. I re-read it today:
“I’ve been reading this book by Ann Patchett, This is the Story of a Happy Marriage, and in it she describes a weekend away. She needed to get some reading and writing done and simply couldn’t do it at home, so off she went to a hotel. No big deal, just up and off to a hotel where she did nothing but read, write, order room service, go down once to the pool. I read this and I’m so jealous I could spit. The idea of having time to read and write…glorious.”
I have to say, the idea still makes me so jealous I could spit. Although spitting is gross.
What’s hilarious, is that I can’t remember exactly what had me so busy…will I look back in two years on this point in my life and wonder what kept me so busy? Of course. Definitely. Without question.
Facebook also gives me these memories to look back on and in them I see my oldest going from a smoosh baby to a toddler and think, oh my gosh he was so little! And then I look over at him now, at six years old, and realize this is going to look little someday too.
Where does it all go?
How do I feel like I have zero time for anything and yet time is so clearly passing, and passing quickly?
And the thing is that I’m not anywhere near where I thought I’d be two years ago, and yet I’m further…or maybe just different.
Two years ago if you told me I’d be living in Montana I’d have laughed. Laughed and laughed and laughed. Because moving to Montana is something crazy people do. Who needs all that winter? Who needs all those prairies and cowboys and endless skies?
Well…me, it turns out. I need them.
Two years ago we were gearing up to live in our trailer for a few months while we purchased a property in Oregon.
One year ago we were moving to Montana, to a property I’d only ever seen pictures of and to a home my husband described as “live-able.”
This year I’m reading a post from two years ago wondering how I could have possibly thought I was busy then, when I’m so obviously much busier now. What a laugh. All of it.
Today has been about breathing. Fears are constantly popping up in my mind:
- I don’t have time for this
- I haven’t made time for my #writethirtyminutes yet and won’t have the time
- How is it possible that I’m constantly making food for two creatures who survive on air
- My husband is so excited right now, that makes me excited, he’s doing what I have to do, that’s scary
- I signed up for that webinar but I’m going to be late cause the kids still need to be dressed, brush teeth, take vitamins
- I don’t have time to eat lunch with these boys because I need to do that thing for my husband and I still have to #writethirtminutes and I need to get that roast in the InstaPot (“Insta” my a$$)
It all comes down to fear and mostly fear around time. So my mantra for today has been:
“I have as much time as I need to do what needs to be done”
It’s been proving itself true, so far. I made it to my webinar just as it was starting, missed nothing. I was able to do a little bit of homeschool prep stuff during the webinar while still digesting the meat of the course. I still need to do that thing for my husband (and for myself once I confront my fears), but I will do that after I get the roast started and the InstaPot insta-ing.
The day is proving that I absolutely have as much time as I need to do what needs to be done. And the thing is, if it doesn’t get done today, it didn’t need to. Remembering to breathe, remembering to focus on the now, remembering to “sit and know I am sitting” as the Ten Percent app guru says, has been tremendous.
The days will always be packed.
The key is to recognize that there is only so much you can do, only so much you can reasonably expect from yourself, or anyone, and that when it comes down to it, I have as much time as I need to do what needs to be done.